


The Great Dress Debate

by katebishops



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-28
Updated: 2015-02-28
Packaged: 2018-03-15 12:46:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,601
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3447731
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/katebishops/pseuds/katebishops
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When a photo of a dress surfaces online, none of the Avengers can agree on whether it's gold and white or blue and black. Craziness ensues.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Great Dress Debate

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by both that damn dress that has been tearing families apart, and my politics class that had the most heated debate we've ever had today - all over that dress. Seriously, we've discussed controversial stuff like abortion and the death penalty and they were much calmer than this one. At least three kids had full on meltdowns, and several kids just stood up and yelled at each other. Should I be amused or horrified or both?
> 
> This is half crack, by the way. You can choose whether or not to take it seriously. I still don't know if I should. 
> 
> Fun fact, I can never listen to the first line of "Uptown Funk" ever again without thinking of this stupid dress.
> 
> And finally, the disclaimer: I own none of the characters, I do not own Marvel studios or anything affiliated with it, however I do own a blue and black dress (just not ~that~ dress.)

“Hey, Steve, come look at this,” Natasha called from the couch.

Steve, who had been looking through the fridge for a snack (“Your damn snacks are big enough to feed a third world country,” Sam’s voice echoed in his head), sighed. Natasha often found weird gifs of cats falling down and dogs with food on their heads and demanded that he look at them. The first time, he had thought it was important and rushed over. Now he knew better.

“I don’t care about cats falling into toilets, Natasha,” he called back.

They had all met up at Stark Tower and he and Natasha were currently on the communal floor together. He and Sam had needed a break from looking for Bucky (well, Sam told him they needed one – Steve would still be in Russia if he could). Natasha had dragged Clint away from his dog and unhealthy eating habits and into Manhattan when she heard they were there. She had also gotten a haircut while finding a new identity. Steve liked it. Thor was supposed to have flown in with Jane and Darcy from London that morning, but their plane had been delayed. Steve didn’t know when they would arrive. Maybe they already had and had snuck off to their rooms to sleep off the jetlag. Tony and Bruce had been in the lab all day, and Steve thought he had heard a crash earlier, but the walls were soundproof so that was probably just his imagination.

“It’s not that,” she protested. “Seriously, this isn’t a cat gif. I just need your opinion on a dress.”

He finally decided to have an apple. He closed the refrigerator door and ambled over to the couch, where she was propped up against at least four pillows. She looked very relaxed in yoga pants and a soft, loose shirt. She held up her phone and he squinted at the dress on screen. “What about it?”

“Describe it to me,” she said. “Specifically, the coloring.”

“Okay…it’s a white dress with gold lace.” he said. He didn’t know what the point of that was.

Natasha groaned.

“HA!” a voice called. There was a loud thump in the ceiling, some mild swearing, and then Clint fell through a previously unnoticed hole in the ceiling, right on the floor next to the couch. He stood up, seemingly unbothered by the height he had just fallen from. He gestured wildly at Natasha. “I _told_ you it was gold and white! I’m deaf, not colorblind. Err, sorry Steve.”

Steve waved his hand to show there was no offense taken. There was an awkward moment of silence where Natasha glared at Clint and he looked back at her smugly. Steve was impressed that he could be so strong when she was glaring at him. Natasha had a really scary glare. He shifted on his feet uncomfortably. He really didn’t want to get in between an argument with two assassins. “Was that ever in doubt…?” he asked. He thought it was pretty simple; the dress was white and gold. That was obvious.

Apparently it was the wrong thing to say, because Natasha then turned her glare on him. “Just because there are two of you who think so doesn’t mean it’s true. Obviously it’s black and blue,” she replied dryly.

She turned back to her phone and Steve looked over her shoulder to find her playing Battle Cats. He shrugged to himself, took a bite from his apple, and headed towards the elevator. He figured he’d leave the ex-SHIELD agents to their bickering and go see what Pepper was up to. He liked Pepper. She was nice and smiled at him and was always pleasant and occasionally set stuff on fire.

 

* * *

 

He could hear the voices from the elevator. Apparently his previous assumption of Pepper always being pleasant (exasperated when dealing with Tony, but still nice to Steve) was not accurate, as evidenced by the shouting. He was surprised. She always seemed so calm and in control of her emotions. What could possibly upset her so much?

“All I’m saying,” – wait, that was Sam’s angry voice, Steve realized. Sam was also good at controlling his emotions, what was going on? – “is that there is no way the dress is gold and white!”

The doors opened up to Pepper shouting, “Well you’re wrong!” Steve really hoped he was just imagining the eerie glow in her eyes. He knew what came after that. “It is not black and blue, it has never been black and blue, and it will never be black and blue!”

“No, _you’re_ wrong,” Sam said heatedly. “It’s definitely-” he cut himself off when he noticed Steve. “Hey, Steve, come here and look at this dress.” He pulled out his phone.

Very cautiously, Steve backed into the elevator slowly and pressed the button that would take him to the lab. He wanted no part in this dress that could somehow make the two most level headed, rational people he knew yell at each other like that.

“Oh, get back here you coward!” Sam shouted, heading towards the elevator. Luckily for Steve, the doors closed right before he got there.

 

* * *

 

He arrived at the lab to see tables overturned and computers smashed. Tony was in his Iron Man suit and Steve caught a glimpse of green in the distance.

“Listen, big guy,” Tony’s voice came out from the mask. “You just need to calm down and accept that the dress is black and blue.” The Hulk threw a table at Tony, who flew to the wall to dodge it.

“WHITE AND GOLD!” he roared. Steve hadn’t realized the Hulk could talk, really, but turned out he could when debating dress colors. This was really getting out of hand, Steve thought to himself. Just then, he got a text from Jane saying they had landed. He responded that he could meet them there. They didn’t need a ride from him, but truthfully he just wanted to get out of the tower until all the craziness had died down _. Maybe by the time I get back, this will have all ended_ , he thought to himself. He sighed and pressed the button for the garage.

 

* * *

 

Steve generally preferred riding his motorcycle, but since he was bringing three people and luggage back, he decided to take one of Tony’s SUVs. It was sleek and black and completely felt like a cliché. Still, it handled well and it was big enough for him and Thor to sit in comfortably. He made his way through traffic, humming along to the song on the radio. He had just merged onto the I-678 S when the song ended. The DJ then began to talk. Steve usually thought the radio hosts were funny, but the first words out of this one's mouth were, "Okay, there's this dress that someone posted on social media recently and it has sparked HUGE controversy! What do you-"

Steve changed the station quickly. Seriously, what was with that dress? Why was everyone so obsessed with it? The next station was just playing music (Nicki Minaj, his not-so-guilty pleasure) and there was no talk over dresses. At all. He listened to that station until he finally arrived at JFK international. Since the three were coming from the international terminal, terminal four, he had to drive even farther. He didn't mind, though. Steve actually found driving relaxing - even driving on the busy I-278 W. Driving had stressed his ma out, not that she did it much. They were far too poor to afford a car and besides, they could walk almost anywhere. And if they couldn't walk, they could take the subway. One time, when he was eight, they had gone on vacation to Lake George and Sarah had borrowed a friend's car. She was anxious the entire time.

Pulling himself out of his thoughts and trying to avoid the pang of sadness he felt whenever he thought of his ma, he focused on parking. He was lucky enough that there was a place by the curb. Before long, he saw the three of them coming out. Jane looked frazzled and exhausted, Darcy was absorbed in her phone, and Thor had a confused look on his face. They noticed Steve when he waved at them, and before long had put their luggage in the trunk and were all settled in. Thor sat shotgun, because it had the most leg room, while Darcy sat behind him and Jane behind Steve. Darcy was whispering excitedly at her friend/boss, who just looked like she wanted a ten hour nap.

"How was the flight?" Steve asked cordially.

"Excellent!" Thor boomed. "They had these peanuts that were very delicious, and the screen on the seat in front of me played many movies. All of the attendants were very nice. This was my first time on a plane and I am excited to go on one again!"

Steve's eyes met Jane's in the rear view mirror. She seemed less enthused. This was actually his first time meeting her in person, but they had exchanged phone calls and texts when working out flight details. She had mentioned her dislike of travelling more than once. "It could've been worse, I suppose," she said wryly. "I slept for about an hour, which was nice. But the rest of the time I spent listening to babies crying and the couple in front of me arguing."

Steve winced sympathetically. Listening to other people's arguments in public had always made him uncomfortable. Having a public argument was even worse and something to be avoided at all costs (He was mostly successful with that, too, ignoring the time Peggy shot at him in front of Howard and several privates and assistants).

"What were they arguing about, anything juicy?" he teased.

Jane just groaned. "No, it was that stupid fucking dress. Hashtag blue and black and all that shit."

Steve had never heard her curse before (not that he had talked extensively with her), and he himself did not curse very much, but he completely understood her frustration with that dress. Apparently it was not just an Avengers thing.

"That stupid fucking gold and white dress, you mean," Darcy said. Jane groaned even more loudly.

"That stupid fucking black and blue dress, I mean, and that's the last I'm saying about it," she said.

Thor tilted his head to look at the astrophysicist and smiled. "It would seem Jane and I are in agreement, but Darcy is seeing colors I cannot see."

"I don't know what you're talking about," Darcy said. "You're the one seeing colors that aren't there."

"Perhaps I should ask Heimdall," he joked. Jane rubbed at her eyes and stifled a yawn. "Then again, perhaps we should leave this conflict for another time, when everyone is well rested and it is just you and me, Darcy." Jane looked grateful for that.

"Hey, Steve, what colors do you see?" Darcy asked curiously. In lieu of responding, he turned the radio back on and turned the volume up loud enough that conversation wouldn't be very likely. Darcy took the hint, but not without sticking her tongue out at him first. 

* * *

Upon arriving back at the tower, everything was silent. Steve did not take this as a good sign. The four of them arrived at the communal floor, and he poked his head out of the elevator carefully. "Uh, Natasha?" he called. "Clint?"

Just then, his phone pinged. He checked it. It was a text from Natasha that read, "We're all on the 30th floor :) You should come join us. And bring the other blond beefcake and his friends." The 30th floor was Bruce's, so Steve hoped that meant he had de-Hulked. 

"Guys, everyone's at Bruce's apartment. Do you want to go there or maybe take a nap?"

Thor seemed excited for his two groups of human friends to meet, but he still asked the women if they really wanted to go because no one would mind if they didn't.

Jane stifled yet another yawn, but replied, "No, it's okay. We can go see them, I'll just probably duck out soon. But we should meet them." Darcy was also tired but seemed excited about meeting the Avengers (plus the CEO of a fortune 500 company).  

But when they arrived, it was noisy and full of tension. The dress debate was not over, Steve realized with an internal grumble. He could feel a headache coming on, and he hadn't gotten one of those since the Insight incident. And even that hadn't been a stress headache, just one that came from being hit in the face with a metal arm. Repeatedly.

"Rhodey _just_ texted me that it is gold and white!" Pepper was saying to Tony in a loud voice.

"The traitor!" he cried. 

Steve looked around and found Natasha, Sam, and Clint arguing over by the television. Bruce was sitting cross legged in a corner, wearing noise cancelling headphones. It looked to Steve like he was meditating. He knew Bruce meditated a lot to control the Hulk and had even offered to do a guided meditation with Steve to help with any negative emotions he may have, especially after the Winter Soldier incident. Clearly all of the Avengers needed some meditation, and judging by the way Darcy's eyes lit up as she raced to defend "hashtag team white gold", as she called it, she could benefit as well. 

Thor turned towards Jane. "Maybe we should go rest." They headed to the elevator, leaving Steve behind. He scowled at them and Thor just grinned and waved. Steve couldn't tell if he was being mocked or not. 

"Alright, _alright_ ," Steve called in his best Captain America Disapproves of Your Behavior voice. Everyone ignored him. He then cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled, "HEY!" That got everyone's attention. Forget about being good ol' Captain America, he was tired of this shit and had no problems resorting to anger. The team turned to look at him expectantly, like he was about to give some grand speech on how getting along and letting everyone see their things their own way was important.

"It. Is. A. God. Damn. _Dress_." he said simply, and then turned and strode away. Everyone stood there gaping at him. Tony dropped the bottle of green drink he had been holding (luckily it was plastic), and it thudded on the carpet. Clint's mouth hung open. 

"Did Captain America just swear?" whispered Darcy nervously. 

"Dude, if you think he doesn't swear remind me to tell you about the time I used my wings to knock him over when he was on his run," Sam replied just as quietly. He shook his head. " _On your above_ , that was fucking clever," he whispered to himself. Steve just hid a small smile while he stood in the elevator and waited for the doors to close. Natasha raised an eyebrow at him. Everyone seemed shocked but pretended they weren't.

"You can't tell us what to do," Tony protested. 

"Yeah," Clint agreed belatedly.

"We can talk about the dress if we want to!" 

"Fine, Tony." Steve said. "I really don't care anymore. Whatever you want."

Tony hmphed and rolled his eyes, as if he didn't care what Steve said and would do whatever he wanted regardless. Conversations slowly started up again and as the doors closed, Steve could hear Tony say obnoxiously and extra loudly, "So, that dress that's black and blue?" Steve did not, however, hear everyone else shush him furiously. 

And that was the last time the dress was ever mentioned in Stark Tower. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, please let me know what you thought!
> 
> Side note: I really hate researching airports and streets and "cheap vacation spots in NYS" and stuff. It's not interesting.  


End file.
